Dad Scouts of America

File this one under “Why on earth doesn’t this already exist?”

Tonight was a Cub Scout planning meeting. A bunch of us dads were talking after the meeting, and someone started wondering why there’s not a “Dad Scouts of America” or something along those lines.

You could have merit badges in stuff like:

• Brewing Beer
• Cooking over open flame
• Miter cuts
• Spackling
• Lawn Mower Repair
• Cursing under one’s breath
• Not strangling naughty children
• Stoic silence

One of the other dads at the meeting suggested a “MILF badge”, but I don’t know what the exercise for that would be.

Other than the curriculum, the activities would be pretty similar to Cub Scouts, except with beer. We’d get together a couple of times a month to hang out in someone’s basement or out in a field, go camping a few times a year, not shower for a week while at camp. There could be sports, or sports pools depending on the time of year.

We could even keep the trappings of the Cub Scouts. The promise is pretty good as is:

I promise to do my best to do my duty to God and my Country, to help other people, and to obey the Law of the pack.

I like it, ’cause it’s pretty ecumenical, acknowledges that there’s responsibility to being a Dad, and is short.

The Law of the Pack needs to be established very distinctly from that in place for the Cub Scouts. There’s not anything in there right now about picking up empties. It needs to acknowledge that everyone needs to pick up the tab at some point, at the very minimum. And “Akela” could probably be replaced by “the designated driver”.

No motto yet, either. “Be Prepared” doesn’t really work. “Semper Gumby” is taken and not cynical enough. Suggestions?

There’s a pretty natural rank structure that falls out of fatherhood:

Expecting: First kid on the way, etc. Mascot could be a lamb, or other naive critter

Sleepy: First kid here, less than 2 years old. I’m thinking these are “Sloths”, ’cause they don’t move unless you poke them with a stick.

Crumbly: Kid between 2 and 4; named after the goldfish and graham cracker residue in the backseat, under chairs in the kitchen, and in pants cuffs. Maybe a Pig for a mascot?

Sickos: Kid in pre-school or kindergarten; haven’t fully developed the group immunity, so they get absolutely every bug that comes through. These are the Rats, since they’re disease vectors.

Happy: Kid in 2 – 6. The kids still think Dad hung the moon but are self-sufficient enough to be fun to hang out with. Naturally, they’re the Monkeys.

Driver: Kid in middle-ish school (6th to 9th grade). Dad’s pretty much irrelevant for much except for transportation. Kids still somewhat under paternal control. Either the “Camels” or the “Mules”

Pocketbook: Kid in High School. The kid’s got friends who drive, so the only thing that dad needs to provide is cash. These dad scouts are constantly worried that their kid is acting just like the dad and his idiot friends did in high school.

Cheapskate: Paying for a kid in college.

Scoutmaster: Have successfully transitioned the kids out of the house and off the budget.

So, whaddya think? Should we print up manuals and start saving up to buy a camp?