What am I running from?

So, I’ve been blogging again. And running consistiently again. Being a pessimist at heart, I’ve got to wonder “what am I running from?” These are some of the thoughts that went through my head while looking out over the Mystic River at the Naik Family YMCA (Seriously, the renovated gym really does look out at the sunset below, and the treadmills and bikes are all in front of a giant window).

End. Less summer.

Part is NaNoWriMo – I think this is the first year in a while I haven’t even contemplated being a novel writer. But, I do still feel compelled to hammer out text. Which, as of late, has been going too much into Twitter. Not that I don’t treasure the twitter comerades that I have; I do. But it’s starting to feel like the Gen X version of Fox News. Not enough truly deep thought.

Second is momentary avoidance of the work I should be doing for grad school. This quarter is actually going pretty well – I am going to finish all my assignments on time, and be able to pass my first comp, but I’m not truly throwing myself into it. I do tend to make better progress on days when I write here though. Maybe the gears just need to be loostened.

I’m also running away from the guy who it would be so easy to settle into. I’ve always struggled with my weight, but over the last couple of years, it really has started to get away from me. I’m still not obviously fat, but I’m not necessarily obviously thin. Age is starting to catch up – there are many days when it would be so easy (and accepted) to stop struggling against gimpy joints, chafing, time constraints, whatever, and leave the shoes in the closet and the bikes hanging on the walls. To pop on another video, open another beer, and just … rest.

but mostly I don’t think I’m really running away. Mostly, I think i’m running towards:

  • Towards my lovely Boston qualifying wife. I don’t think I’ll ever get there, mostly because I’m not willing to sacrifice food like she has, but darned if I’m not going to make sure I can keep up with her on the bike.
  • Towards the me that I know I can uncover again. As long as i can keep moving, I have the potential to dig the skinny me out again.
  • Towards life after the kids leave the house, and after I no longer have to work full time. Sure as heck don’t want to spend all those years on the couch.
  • Towards setting an example for my kids.

Generally, I’m not a fan of the “life is a journey” metaphor. Journeys have a destination, and the only thing we’re guaranteed to reach is the grave. Screw that.

Maybe life’s more an exploration. With things to run towards, and things to run from. With new things to find, and with places to which you want to return. People you want to travel closely with, people you’re happy to stop awhile with, folks you want to wave for, and folks to avoid.

Whatever. All I know is that I banged out my 3 miles on the treadmill this evening because Nike told me to. And, somehow, I wasn’t in the same spot I started.